Are the scriptures real truth?
God knows; I don't!
I hope to God the Bible is truth! I pray it's truth. I try and believe it's truth... But?
Written: 2026

No matter who proclaims otherwise, or how sincere they might be; what truth actually is, is what we are all waiting to find out. We choose to believe in something, and then, we wait for fulfillment... Many or seemingly even most people have no real hope, believing we should eat drink and be merry for this life we are living is all there is; and tomorrow we die. (Isa 22:13; 1 Cor 15:32 of 1-34) Others, like me, have used their life to great value, or squandered it if our hope is not true, (1 Cor 15:17-19) believing there must be a prime cause of all the good we do see; and that what we see gives sound reason for hope that Creator must be good... (Heb 11:6) Those are the people seeking God! He knows who is lookin... (2 Chron 16:9) If there truly is a good Creator, the Bible is the only sensible explanation of Him. But, the simple truth is, no human actually knows whether the Bible is truth. We believe or we don't; (John 3:19 of 16-21) but no human knows what truth is! (Rom 8:24-25)

Today, I suffered the trauma of an old and dear friend dying, someone I loved very much and had to witness her suffer and die. She loved life and shared my hope of living into eternity, as dear pals forever. She seemed to love to hear me speak about that hope. But today, today she died. It was after an extended illness and she suffered a great deal. Even though she and I are/were old, I pray to live forever, and so, I prayed for her to enjoy that with me. I prayed all through her ordeal and felt sometimes my prayers were answered. But, in her finality [until her resurrection, assuming that hope is real], my prayers apparently weren't heard or answered. In her last days, when she suffered so much, I prayed that if there was some reason God couldn't keep her alive, that He would ease her suffering. I couldn't feel her suffering, of course, but I saw no indication it was eased... I do know the reasons God gives us in the Bible about how and why suffering and death exist, and how they are not his fault. About how He has a fix in place; and we just have to wait until that fix is revealed. (Rev 21:1-4) Today, I'm just not really feeling it! Today, I feel angry, angry with Him, angry with my Creator... (Rom 9:20-21 of 18-29) I do know many people will say such a statement indicates I am just wicked. And, I must confess, I can't know they are not right. My response, I must note, is very different from that of God's friend King David when ancient David's son suffered and died. (2 Sam 12:15-23) I suppose my only hope, if being compared with faithful David, is we are all individuals and very different before our Creator! As for my faith: The God I have fallen in love with and chosen to worship is good and loving and kind! Well, that's who I hope He is. And, that is who I have learned him to be from the Bible. Today, however, He doesn't feel that way. There was just no reason for my friend to suffer the way she did! There just wasn't! He claims he knows when a sparrow falls to the earth and the hairs on my head are all numbered. (Mat 10:29-31) Couldn't He have spared both me and my dear friend all her pain and my anguish?

I still love יהוה, of course, as I have known him to be. Or, I am trying to. One problem for me in all this is I'm never quite sure how much of what I feel for Him is true love, and how much is just my hope for eternal life at is hand. Hoping for his blessings is certainly one reason I serve. Us expecting His reward, however, is not a bad thing... (Heb 11:6) I want to be able to say it's alright that He didn't give any indication of help, and that my friends suffering didn't matter. The simple truth is it does matter to me. It should matter. It should matter to Him! And, as I say, maybe it does... since I couldn't feel how much my friend suffered, or know how much relief she got. But, relief wasn't noticeable to me or anyone else until after she struggled her very best and hardest for her last breath; only to find the relief of death. I hope what happened to her isn't all there is... That it isn't my fate as well as hers!

Trying to find some un-bad in this, I guess maybe if I am able to go on loving Him in spite of what is happening to me and to the rest of this world, maybe that is what indicates there is something of value in me. I hope so. I hope I am able to go on loving him. There are several reasons I write to expose my feelings of doubt [at best], even as I also hope they will get better moving forward. First: True Christians are not liars but always seek and speak truth. (Rev 21:5-8) So, I feel the need to expose all I am, for good or bad. Anyway; God knows! Second: I need truth; need to feel my hope is real and based in truth. I believe the hope of most organized religions people is in vain as an organization. Real Christians wouldn't judge to hurt and even kill each other the way they do! (Mat 15:3-9) I need to feel the fact I have tried to build my hope, very strictly on what the Bible actuall teaches, makes me different; a Christian rather than a Religionist... (Mat 7:15-20; Mat 24:23-28) Even so, at the first sign of pain, I want to blame God. Maybe I should consider if I have run ahead in my faith to believe something God didn't really say. Third: I feel an overwhelming need to figure out some way to believe this is my fault and not God's. If not, what would my future be? A life without hope? My whole life's work and hope would have been in vain. (1 Cor 15:16-19 of 12-28) Maybe that idea that I have run ahead to believe in "my hope," instead of what God actually said, will provide the answer. So, that's why I write this, in hope I can find some way to return to truly believing my God is perfect.

So, then, it leads me to ask, is the Bible the truth? All I truly know is it's the only game in town. If it isn't true, we are just all damned to what ever comes our way, with no hope. I do hope better, but, we "all" wait to see... I keep on trying to truly believe it's better, to be a person of faith. I guess a lot or other people are waiting to see about my faith as well!

This doesn't change all the good I have said about our Creator on this website: I have only done my best to parrot what the Bible teaches, and, I do still try and have Bible truth as my hope. This pain and anger that I now feel is also being forced to become part of my hope and/or faith; and I don't know where it can fit. Since I have tried to influence a lot of people, it would seem incompatible with truth not to make known what my true faith is, including my doubts! Today... I'm just sorry and sad, trying to find some way to continue forward in expectation the God I have hoped in all my life actually is good and cares about me, about all of us, like He claims He does! (Luke 12:6-7) It upsets me beyond saying to imagine I encourage someone to hope a hope that is in vain! It has been my belief God is giving his followers his Spirit to help those needing help. This seemingly needless suffering of my friend makes me feel I have been a fool. It's very scary to write this. I fear making Him angry, and what that might bring. (Heb 10:26-31) But, I don't know how not to expose these things about myself. I feel I must serve God out of love, not fear... Even so, as I have done all my life, I once again do the only thing I know to do; I pray: "Father, please, help me!" (Mark 9:22-24 of 20-24) I hope continuing to appeal to him is sensible, but the truth is too, there is just no where else to turn! I wish there was a perpetual burning light on a mountain we could go to in order to hear and know him. (Isa 2:2-4)
Mat 13:44-50
I have always believed there was: The mountain of truth being illuminated by the words of Jesus Christ. (Gal 3:19-29; Rev 21:1-4) I long to be back there in that pure hope. I don't know how to let this anger go. I hope I can move forward with it, or better that I will be able to let it go over time. "Father, help me!" I still don't know any better to suggest than faith and hope in what you personally know to be the words of Jesus Christ... (Mat 17:5)

Original writing: Wed, Mar 18, 2026

I hope to see my dear friend soon, in the resurrection...
I sill hope to be a survivor of the destruction of Satan's old world system; but...
Thu, Mar 19,2026

An update to this writing; what I learned on 3/19/26, one day after I wrote the above, and not a second too soon: While I didn't see, because I wasn't in the room, someone who actually witnessed the moment of my friends death, and told me about her last gasp for breath, just confided something else they witnessed. They said my dear dying friend seemed to express that she was experiencing some great joy of her life, along with her last gasp for breath; that she was hearing and running to meet someone she loved... I thank יהוה for seeing to it that I learned that! It means a great deal to think He helped her die while experiencing in her mind, a wonderful moment in her life. That joy she experienced will soon be part of the future for my friend and me; after her resurrection! I'm still  mad  upset that she had to die, but... my hope in יהוה is better! So, I again offer prayer: "Help me my Father, to have joy before your face, forever..." John 15:7-11; John 17:13 Compared to David, my faith might not hold up well under judgment. But, thank God He is dealing with each one of us individually. The trial for me that the ordeal of my dear friends horrible death has proved to be for me, actually upending my faith, should help me be more understanding of other people trying to come to know יהוה; and not be judgmental because they are not trying to walk in my same steps. That especially includes someone very dear to me. This leaves me with hoping I'll soon be with both the love of my life, and my now dead friend, in paradise! (Rev 21:1-4) This now becomes another webpage I'll have to reread often, lest I forget the faith my trial has engendered and/or reaffirmed...
Fri, Mar 20, 2026
I want to get off the roller coaster of ups and downs that has been my life. For my part, the way the above events transpired, and the timing of my coming to be made aware of them, is proof there is a God. He clearly led me through that. My whole nearly 80 years of life has been like that: A string of threats and partial deliverances, events and circumstances that have convinced me God exists. (VietnamJC.com) Not to get too full of myself, the demons also believe. (James 2:19) It requires more than just believing God exists, we have to believe He is good... (Heb 11:6) That seems to be the problem I have exposed about myself above. I became convinced God would help my dear friend, the friend that wound up dying a horrible death, and when He didn't help her, I got angry. Then, when I found He gave her some brief relief at the very end of her life, I was elated that maybe He did hear my prayer. Today, however, my friend is still dead and her terrible suffering still remains as most of the last part of her life. So, I can't help being left wondering if God really cares about helping us as He promises about himself, (Zec 2:8) or if his real goal is just to keep us worshiping him; with little real concern for us or our wellbeing. We've never actually "seen" him lastingly help anyone, foremost his firstborn son. We are told Jesus was resurrected to glory and eternal life, but none of us have seen that. We read accounts of people who claimed to have seen Jesus after his resurrection, but they could easily have been deceived.

So, after this fresh and still raw trial, I go back to my wannabe Christian life, but I think changed. I still try to hope and believe God is good and to figure out how to make sense and to live my life productively; but I don't know. Doctors take an oath to "First, do no harm!" I guess that should be a Christian's oath as well. The Bible has taught me the concept of good and righteousness, and I hope there is a God who is bringing that to life. That I can even know what righteousness is seems a miracle. So, without knowing whether God is actually good, in hope, I try to be the best person I can be, in imitation of what God asserts himself to be in the Bible. I wish I could be more, but I just don't know how... I still pray for his help but I can't be a stupid person, just believing blindly. If I was going to do that, I might as well be one trying to get the meaning of life from chicken guts or the alignment of the stars. I started my search for God from as early as I have memory, seeking to actually know him personally. Knowing him, though, has to rise above trying to have faith based on some words He had recorded in a book. I will be able to know him only when He is actually and personally involved in my life. Can anyone truly be a friend without that? I try to think of my Heavenly Father as my friend. I await and hope for the time when He rises up to take that position. Until then, I will try to be a person who does no harm. That's all I know. I hope that doesn't mean I'm wicked... I do know lots of people, especially Religionists, will tell you they do "know" God and they "know" He is real; asserting I'm just a wicked fool to raise such questions. (2 Pet 3:4) What is truth remains your decision to make, even as it is mine. I am thankful to the God I hope in, even as I also have to "hope" He is good. I am thankful that I know and understand these things, and am able to speak about them. (Mal 3:16-4:3) I don't think any human or group could have produced and revealed what I have learned from the Bible. I do also know this trial and awakening has altered my relationship with him, at least until He stands up to be my everlasting friend and true and obvious and real and eternal helper, even as He has promised. I do know my life could have been a lot worse and even maybe that I have been preserved alive by him. I also know my life could still yet get a lot worse! Still, what is actually real is what is... I didn't create it, I'm just trying to understand and get the meaning of it; to survive it and be blessed by the one responsible. Maybe, even, to find lasting joy in it! (John 15:11-16) I want to believe those scriptures and I am made so happy when I read them. Shouldn't I be able to believe all of what they say? I continue to try. God help me!

Meaning of life
Everyone who isn't a "good for nothing" person, (1 Sam 2:12; Pro 6:12-15) is then a man or woman of goodwill. (Luke 2:13-14) That's just all there is. (John 3:19-21) All people of goodwill seek to have their lives count for something. They seek some good purpose. And, most everyone thinks they have found it. Doctors, school teachers, mechanics or engineers, and certainly preachers, all think they have found a calling that gives purpose to life. For me, it has been learning what the Bible teaches and sharing the hope that knowledge gave me. How silly really. Jesus said if he didn't speak the truth his Father sent him to bring, the stones would cry out! (Luke 19:36-40) Any message God want's people to hear, he could put in fire in the night sky for all to see. How silly of us to think he needs any of us! But, maybe we can figure our some way to be helpful to him. How? I now think it is by becoming people who "do no harm!"

Someone very dear to me told me recently she asks God if she should do a thing, before she does "anything." That just seems a perfect solution. If we can use our lives trying to be kind to everyone alive, and to avoid causing them pain or harm, that is the best we have to give. Not doing it because we are seeking God's blessings, but because it is right and good. That seems all there is for me! I  hope  pray that is enough; that it is pleasing to our Creator... That, again, is just all I know to do. I hope He is good!
This all leaves me trapped by my own faith with no where to go and my hope at best diminished. I feel like one of those broken robots that just keeps turning in circles and bumping into things, but unable to accomplish anything. I know the Bible and the God who created it is our only hope. Now feeling forced to question whether He is really helping us, or just manipulating us, has crushed me. I don't feel I can continue trying to teach his words, lest I be helping manipulate people toward a reward that is not real... I fear his wrath as I say these things, but they are the truth as I know it. Even so, I still cry out for his help because that's all there is. (Rom 7:24) I have begged for faith and I continue to do so! (Mark 9:22-24; Psalms 4:1; Psalms 17:1-3) Pray for me! (James 5:16)

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